The Three Musketeers (1939)

20th Century Fox, 1939

Starring Don Ameche, The Ritz Brothers, Binnie Barnes, and Pauline Moore

Directed by Allan Dwan

Music by Samuel Pokrass; Lyrics by Walter Bullock

The Marx Brothers were far from the only comic brother group who were popular in the 30's and early 40's. The Ritz Brothers started out on the stage in 1925. By 1934, they were Broadway headliners who did short subjects for Educational Pictures. 20th Century Fox was so impressed, they hired them as the comic relief in big musicals like On the Avenue. The Three Musketeers would prove to be their biggest hit with their names above the title. How does this wacky spoof of swashbucklers look now? Let's begin with D'Aragnan (Ameche) as he arrives in Paris and find out...

The Story: D'Arangan is looking for the fabled three Musketeers. Alas, they got drunk, and what he finds is three cooks (Ritz Brothers) in their outfits. He needs all the help he can get. Queen Anne (Gloria Stuart) and her lady-in-waiting Constance (Moore) find him dueling with the Duke of Buckingham (Lester Matthews) at the inn where he and the cooks conned their way into rooms. The Queen is having an affair with the Duke and has given him a jeweled broach to remember her by. 

Cardinal Richelieu (Miles Mander) orders Lady De Winter (Barnes) and his head man De Rochefort (Lionel Atwill) to steal the broach and bring it to King Louis (Joseph Schildkraut). DeWinter does manage to waylay D'Arganan...but she doesn't account for his loyal, if none-too-bright, friends. It's all for one, and one for lunacy as the four non-Musketeers prove themselves worthy of the name to make sure the broach gets to the Queen before the King figures out what's going on!

The Song and Dance: Darn good cast for a spoof. Ameche made such a wonderful D'Arangan, I wish he'd done more swashbucklers. Moore was a lovely Constance, Barnes was a charming Milady the few times we see her, and Atwill and Mander didn't do badly as the scheming villains. The Ritz Brothers' broad slapstick may be an acquired taste, but I thought their gags came off a lot better here than in the bigger-budget musicals On the Avenue and One In a Million. I'm also impressed with how relatively well they stuck to the first half of the book for a spoof, despite the complicated story being greatly condensed. 

The Numbers: We open with D'Aragnan on his horse, riding to Paris and singing "Warla Warla (Say Paree)" as he greets other travelers on the road. He reprises the number while preparing to meet Constance again about mid-way through the film. The cooks show how they make their "Chicken Soup" in the tavern kitchen right before the real Musketeers turn up drunk. D'Arganan and the cooks sing "Voila" after they've taken on the Cardinal's guards at the tavern. The young Musketeer hopeful woos Constance with "My Lady" in the boarding house courtyard. 

What I Don't Like: As I mentioned, the Ritz Brothers are an acquired taste at best for most audiences nowadays. Though they were popular onstage through the 50's, they never did gel with movies the way the Marxes did. The trio don't have enough personality to offset their broad and often juvenile slapstick shenanigans. They admittedly come off better here than they did playing second fiddle to Fox blondes, but their brand of goofiness doesn't work well with the otherwise straight action story. In fact, there's so much focus on them, we don't see enough of characters like Lady DeWinter who are a lot more important to the action. The songs are no great shakes, either, and in fact often slow down the pace. 

The Big Finale: I got a kick out of this, but your mileage may vary depending on your tolerance for the Ritzes and/or their brand of slapstick lunacy. 

Home Media: DVD only from the 20th Century Fox Cinema Classics Collection.

DVD

Happy April Fool's Day! - A Night at the Opera

MGM, 1935

Starring The Marx Brothers (Groucho, Harpo, and Chico), Margaret Dumont, Allan Jones, and Kitty Carlisle

Directed by Sam Wood

Music and Lyrics by various

Let's celebrate a day devoted to merriment with three of the craziest pranksters in classic film. Paramount dropped the Marxes after their previous film, Duck Soup, wasn't a hit. Head of MGM Irving Thalburg recognized their genius and snapped them up, encouraging them to hone their craft on a vaudeville tour before they made this movie. How well does the MGM largess and their big musical numbers fit with the Marxes' brand of madness? Let's begin at an expensive restaurant in Milan, Italy, where Otis P. Driftwood (Groucho) is supposed to be meeting his boss Mrs. Claypool (Dumont), and find out...

The Story: After she finally gets his attention, Driftwood introduces Mrs. Claypool to Herman Gottleib (Sig Rumann), the director of the New York Opera. Driftwood has arranged for Mrs. Claypool to invest $200,000 in the opera company, which will allow Gottlieb to hire star tenor Rodolfo Laspari (Walter Woolf King). After hearing how much Laspari will make a year, Driftwood tries to get him under contract instead. He ends up getting Ricardo Baroni (Jones), a chorus performer at the opera, thanks to Baroni's self-styled manager Fiorello (Chico) and Laspari's dresser Tomasso (Harpo). Baroni is in love with leading lady Rosa Castaldi (Carlisle), but Laspari is also interested in her. 

During the voyage from Italy to New York, Driftwood discovers that Baroni and his two friends stowed away in his trunk. He tries to hide them in his already-small stateroom at first, but they get caught. He manages to get them into New York anyway when they pose as three heroic European pilots. Driftwood's continued attempts to keep his friends from the police and Baroni returning to Rosa's side ends with Driftwood and Rosa losing their jobs and everyone thrown out on the sidewalk. Driftwood may not be able to sit on the grass, but he and his friends are never down for long. They come up with an idea that'll bring Rosa and Ricardo together onstage and keep Gottlieb and police officer Sergeant Henderson (Robert Emmet O'Connor) from stopping their own show for good.

The Song and Dance: One of the Marxes' best films. My favorite sequence has always been the Stateroom Scene, where fifteen people, a giant trunk, and 30 hard-boiled eggs are stuffed into a stateroom barely bigger than a closet. There's also Harpo and Chico wrecking havoc in the orchestra pit and onstage in the finale while Groucho makes sarcastic comments in the audience, and Groucho and Chico tearing apart Ricardo's contract before they can even agree to make it. Great performances across the boards, from the Marxes having an absolute blast to Jones and Carlisle being funnier than the lovers in most of their movies to the wonderfully hissable King. 

The Numbers: We open in Milan with a chorus number from the opera I Pagliacci, "Stridonu Lassu," which gives us a glimpse of what Rosa and Rodolfo do and why they're so popular. Our first number outside of the opera house is the ballad "Alone." Rosa sings it to Ricardo as the boat is leaving Milan. He picks it up on the docks, and the chorus joins in while Driftwood ducks out of paying his hotel bill and Tomasso hugs everyone on-deck. Driftwood belts "Sing Ho for the Open Highway" briefly while being hauled around on his trunk. 

The Italian peasants are singing the traditional Neapolitan song "Santa Lucia" when Ricardo, Tomasso, and Fiorello head on-deck for dinner. Ricardo is so delighted with their hospitality, he goes into the Brown-Freed dance number "Cosi-Cosa," which turns into an enormous chorus routine all around the deck. After the dance, Fiorello dips into the MGM vault for an instrumental "All I Do Is Dream of You" on the piano, while Tomasso reprises "Alone" and "Dream of You" on the harp. (His rendition of "Alone" is especially pretty.)

Tomasso and Fiorello get Il Trovodore off to a wacky start when they replace the overture with "Take Me Out to the Ball Game." It even includes them hitting a ball around and Driftwood selling peanuts in the audience. Gottlieb and Henderson try to catch Fiorello and Tomasso during "The Anvil Chorus," but they evade them. Driftwood has more fun tossing quips about the ancient old hag singing "Stride La Vampa." Laspari is performing "Di Quella Pira" when he's dragged backstage. Rosa and Ricardo replace him for the tragic "Miserere," which has her singing to him in prison. 

Trivia: According to Wikipedia, the movie originally began with a long number depicting the sights and sounds of everyday Milan workers before cutting to Mrs. Claypool at the restaurant. It was either cut in 1938 or during World War II to remove references to Italy and has since been lost.

What I Don't Like: It's been pointed out that the Marxes tend to work better with looser storylines that give them more room for anarchy. Their last two films had also de-emphasized the roles of the lovers. This one builds them back up again and adds musical numbers. The opera sequences in the beginning and end show what Rosa and Rodolfo do and give the Marxes a chance for gags. "Alone," on the other hand, is lovely but goes on for too long, and "Cosi Cosa" is fun but largely extraneous. 

The Big Finale: I'm going to agree with Groucho Marx himself and say this has long been my favorite Marx Brothers movie. It's probably the best place for newcomers to the Marxes' nutty world to start along with Duck Soup. 

Home Media: Easily found on all formats. The Blu-Ray is a Warner Archives release. 

DVD

Blu-Ray

Amazon Prime

Musicals On Streaming - Hollywood Stargirl

Disney, 2022

Starring Grace VanderWaal, Judy Greer, Elijah Richardson, and Tyrel Jackson Williams

Directed by Julia Hart

Music and Lyrics by various

Disney put a sequel into development almost immediately when they saw how well Stargirl did during the pandemic. Though author Jerry Spinnelli did write a sequel to the Stargirl book, Love, Stargirl, Disney opted to create their own story that followed what Stargirl and her mother did after they left Arizona. So, what did happen after the duo packed up and moved to Hollywood? Let's begin as they're leaving and find out...

The Story: Stargirl (VanderWaal) is thrilled when her mother Ana (Greer) gets a permanent job as the costume designer on a movie and settles them in a Los Angeles apartment building. She manages to befriend gruff old Mr. Mitchell (Judd Hirsch), a former producer who lives downstairs, and Roxanne Martel (Uma Thurman), whom she shares drinks with at table six in a local restaurant. Evan (Richardson) and his older brother Terrell (Williams) are so impressed when she sings at the bar, they ask her to star and write music for the movie they're hoping to make. After Stargirl tells Roxanne her song is one of her favorites, she encourages her to write her own, then records it. Stargirl is thrilled when Terrell gets a deal for his movie...but then Ana's movie shuts down production, and she may have to leave all over again.

The Song and Dance: First of all, kudos to Disney for trying an original story this time. VanderWaal and Greer are the stand-outs as the free-spirited teen who befriends everyone she meets and the mother who thinks she's living her dream, until it turns out to be a lot harder than she thought. Thurman also works well as the one-hit-wonder who sees a protege and a major talent in Stargirl. Gorgeous location shooting in the real Los Angeles and Hollywood is a major plus, giving us all the laid-back, candy-colored west coast hipness.

The Numbers: We open with "Just What I Needed," first performed by Stargirl, then in its original version by the Cars, as her mother drives them to California. "Everywhere" by Fleetwood Mac provides the backdrop for Stargirl's first time exploring her new neighborhood, including making a new friend on the bus. After the director on her mother's film is rude to her, she cheers herself up by playing "Make Your Own Kind of Music" at the apartment. A brother-sister duo perform a nasal "No Myth" before Stargirl gets up to the crowd and sings Brian Wilson's "Love and Mercy." We pick up briefly with the original "Love and Mercy" as Evan and Stargirl admire the view from the hills. 

Stargirl convinces Terrell to let her listen to Roxanne's only hit "Miracle Mile" on the cassette player in his car. Not only does she love it, but the boys are impressed, too. After Roxanne says they can't use "Miracle Mile" on their film, Stargirl writes "Figure It Out," which provides the backdrop for Terrell's initial filming on his phone camera. Roxanne and Stargirl create their own band and play Blondie's "Dreaming" at Roxanne's club. The movie ends with the kids finally making the movie they want to make as Stargirl wonders "Heaven Knows" how their story will end.

What I Don't Like: Stargirl way too easily charms away any conflict. The last ten minutes with her mother leaving comes the closest, but even that is too quickly solved after a long talk between mother and daughter. The director on Ana's movie is the only person who doesn't succumb to her quirks, and we see him for all of five minutes. I kind of wish she had to work a little harder to gain Mr. Mitchell and Roxanne's favor. I highly doubt a major studio would buy the kids' phone-filmed movie, either, which mainly seems to consist of them chasing each other and kissing, let alone offer a million dollars for it. 

The Big Finale: I liked the first movie slightly better, but both are worth checking out for fans of coming-of-age stories or unique teen romances.

Home Media: Same deal. It can be found pretty much everywhere on streaming but Disney Plus.

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YouTube

Musicals On Streaming - O'Dessa

20th Century Fox/Searchlight Pictures/Hulu, 2025

Starring Sadie Sink, Kelvin Harrison Jr., Regina Hall, and Murray Bartlett

Directed by Geremy Jasper

Music by Geremy Jasper; Lyrics by Jason Binnick

Snow White isn't the only musical with a strong female protagonist the Disney Company released in the past week. This gender-flipped rock opera retelling of "Orpheus and Eurydice" set in a post-apocalyptic world got reviews that were nearly as bad, but is it really that horrible, or is it just different? Let's turn on the TV for a green scroll that tells us how this world came under the control of a mesmerizing man named Plutonovich (Bartlett) and the Seventh Son who will come from the mountains with their guitar and take him down and find out...

The Story: That "Seventh Son" is O'Dessa (Sink), the daughter of a wandering musician who left her nothing but a prized family guitar on his death. After the death of her mother, O'Dessa cuts her hair, wears man's clothes, and takes up in her father's footsteps as a traveling musician. She doesn't get far before a gang steals the guitar out from under her. Following them brings her to Satelyite City, one of the last outposts of civilization. Desperate to get the guitar back from a pawn shop, she joins a talent contest at a local bar. The only person who appreciates her bluesy style is Euri Dervish (Harrison), a nightclub singer she rescues from an overly-amorous patron. They spend the night together under the boardwalk and fall deeply in love. 

Euri tells her about Plutonovich, who uses all the plasma that's polluting the ground to power his addicting broadcasts, and inspires her to sing for pennies from the people. This does get her the guitar back, but not Euri. Turns out he has deals with Plutonovich's right-hand woman Neon Dion (Hall). After she kidnaps Euri during his wedding to O'Dessa, she follows them to Plutonovich's Onderworld lair to join his reality competition and prove once and for all the power of prophecy and true love.

The Song and Dance: The performances are the thing here. Sink does well by the tough, scrappy title character who truly believes Euri is her destiny, but the real stand-outs are the villains. Bartlett is so charismatic and bombastic as the dictator who uses the power of media to keep the people from rebelling, you can understand why they were all mesmerized. Hall does even better as the terrifying cross between Grace Jones and an especially angry pitbull, especially with those odd severe bangs. The grungy, junk-filled landscape outside of Satilyte City and the blue and neon world within it recall similar dystopia thrillers from the 80's like Streets of Fire and Blade Runner.

The Numbers: We open with the young O'Dessa performing "Under the Stars" for her mother. "Ramblin' Down the Road" shows the start of her journey after she leaves the dying farm. "Cursed Six Strings" is our first chorus number as she joins the group of thieves for a bite and a song. The rock-loving nightclub crowds fail to be moved by her "Ramblin' Blues." O'Dessa is proud to be "Feelin' Free" as she uses her makeshift guitar to sing for the people and earn money for the guitar and get closer to Euri in the second chorus number. Euri sings the darker "Johnny Fame," but is booed in the nightclub when he speaks out against Plutonovich. 

After she's attacked and Euri is hypnotized, they finally realize "Yer Tha One" and prepare to be wed with rings and tattoos. "Here Comes the Seventh Son" announces her intention to the world as she takes a neon boat to Plutonovich's lair. He's the commander of the "Onderworld" as we get our big chorus routines, complete with dancers in very skimpy costumes and a teen pop star in pink feathers wiggling behind him. When she finally gets onstage, O'Dessa pours her heart into "The Song (Love Is All)." She finally becomes that "Plasma Rose" who destroys Plutonovich and sends his lair ablaze. The girl she gave her hand-made guitar to carries on her legacy in the final reprise of "The Song." 

What I Don't Like: This isn't anything you haven't seen in movies set in similar hell scapes since the 1970's. It's basically a musical Hunger Games or Blade Runner. Like those movies, this is definitely style over substance. The story is weird, overly complicated, and ultimately kind of depressing, and the music isn't memorable enough to carry it. If you know anything about the original "Orpheus and Euridyce" myth, you're very aware that this isn't going to have a happy ending. It's also not for those looking for a more traditional or lighthearted romp. Like other movies in its genre, it gets into some very dark and rough territory that includes strong sci-fi violence, a few very brief sexual bits, scanty costumes, and heavy themes.

The Big Finale: This is not going to be for everyone, but if you're into other movies about dark futures or dystopian worlds, are a fan of rock or folk music, or just want to check out a darker take on a favorite myth, this is worth riding a neon boat for.

Home Media: Streaming only via Hulu and Disney Plus. 

Hulu

Disney Plus

Snow White (2025)

Disney, 2025

Starring Rachel Ziegler, Gail Godot, Andrew Burnap, and Jeremy Swift

Directed by Marc Webb

Music and Lyrics by various

I've been looking forward to this movie, if only to see what Disney would do with it. I have a mixed track record with Disney's remakes. There's a few I found to be genuinely enjoyable in their own right, but most were mediocre or added nothing to the original story. This one had strikes against it from the outset. It's remaking Disney's very first animated film, its female leads got into trouble for ragging on the film and firing off their political opinions before the movie's opening, and the depiction of the dwarfs as more cartoonish than the rest of the cast came under fire from real people with dwarfism. After all that, how does the actual movie come off? Let's begin, as so many Disney movies do, with a lavishly-decorated storybook...and a couple of forest animals...and find out...

The Story: Snow White (Ziegler) once lived happily in a prosperous mining and farming kingdom with her beloved parents. After her mother (Lorena Andrea) dies, her father the King (Hadley Fraser) marries a woman (Godot) who is outwardly gorgeous, but is in reality cold and cruel. She forces the farmers to become soldiers and locks Snow White in the castle. Snow White, however, remains kind and gentle no matter what. She even releases a thief (Burnap) who stole potatoes from the queen.

Incensed with that incident and with her Magic Mirror's (Patrick Page) insistence that Snow White is now fairer than she, the Queen orders her Huntsman (Ansu Kabia) to kill her. He can't do it and sends her into the woods instead. She ends up at the home of seven dwarfs who work in the nearby mines. They distrust her at first, but finally let her stay. Even after she leaves, she encounters Johnathan, the thief she released at the castle, who is the head of the bandits who are fighting in the king's name. Johnathan doesn't believe she can make things better, but Snow knows that the best way to fight evil is to work together...and prove that there's more to being "fair" and being a good ruler than looking pretty for a mirror.

The Song and Dance: For all of the fussing before this came out, I actually ended up enjoying it. At least, it's a lot better than I thought it would be from the reviews. Rachel Ziegler is simply luminous as Snow White, who manages to be both sweet, funny, and infinitely intelligent. She sings beautifully, performs well with the dwarfs, and even pulls off her final confrontation with Godot nicely. I actually like most of the changes to her character and think they work out pretty well, including her desire to follow in her father's footsteps and become a truly fair ruler. 

Though Johnathan is basically an imitation Flynn Rider from Tangled, he's also infinitely more interesting than the cardboard prince in the original film. The dwarfs have their funny moments too, especially after they meet Snow White and they're all bickering. And actually, my favorite moment from the film may have been Snow White teaching Dopey to whistle. The CGI works better here, making it all the sweeter when he finally gets the others' attention. Disney spared no expense on the production, either. The costumes and sets are gorgeous, nicely recreating a fairy tale Germany straight out of a Grimm Brothers' story. 

The Numbers: We open and close with "Good Things Grow," as the young Snow White (Emilia Faucher) and her parents make apple pies for the entire town and we see how everyone helps and depends on everyone else. Snow White thinks she's "Waiting On a Wish" as she sings to the wishing well on the castle grounds, and later after she frees Johnathan. "Heigh Ho/We Dig" is more elaborate here, as we see how the dwarfs mine the gems they collect under the ground before they march home. The Queen claims that "All Is Fair" to Snow White, and later to the townspeople...fair to her, that is. 

"Whistle While You Work" is moved from before the dwarfs arrive to the day after. This time, Snow White manages to get the dwarfs and animals working together to clean up their house in a charming tour-de-force. Johnathan sneers about Snow White's "Princess Problems," and how it's better to live for oneself than hold out for a hope that might not come. "The Silly Song" brings the dwarfs and bandits together for a night of revelry, but it's only heard briefly. Snow and Johnathan wonder what happens when "A Hand Meets a Hand," and people start to look out for one another. "Snow White Returns" in the finale, as the Queen rages that "All Is Fair" and the rest of the kingdom reprises "Good Things Grow."

What I Don't Like: This has the opposite problem from the original film. Now Snow White and her love interest are the interesting characters, and the Queen is the dull one. Godot is neither much of a singer, nor has the required menace to really carry off her role. She comes off as a silly comic book villain, too noble of a warrior to be truly wicked. And yes, the CGI dwarfs do frequently fall into uncanny valley, especially during action sequences or when they're all talking at once. It can be more frightening than funny at times. There's also the waffling on whether the king is dead or not, and the feeling that they just snitched some ideas from the darker live-action Snow White and the Huntsman from 2012 (like Snow White joining bandits and searching for her father) and filtered them through Disney's rosy lens.

The Big Finale: Though not mirror-perfect, this movie does have a lot of fun points, not the least being spot-on performances by Ziegler and Burnap and some great new songs. It's different enough from its predecessor for me to recommend catching it in the theaters with your favorite little princess or bandit, especially if they're already a Disney fan.

Home Media: The soundtrack can currently be found on Amazon Streaming; the physical version won't be out until May 9th. No word yet on when the movie will be on Disney Plus or physical media. 

Amazon Music Streaming

Musicals On Streaming - Stargirl

Disney, 2020

Starring Grace VanderWaal, Graham Verchere, Karan Brar, and Darby Stanchfield

Directed by Julia Hart

Music and Lyrics by various

After those two less-than-terrific spring break trips, let's jump to Arizona for a coming-of-age story that has real charm. The young adult novel Stargirl by Jerry Spinetti debuted in 2000. The book's positive and individual protagonist hit such a deep chord, students in Ohio created a Stargirl Society to promote its views. Disney initially optioned the book back in 2015, but they didn't get it out until 2020. How well do they do with the story of a boy who learns about life, love, and being yourself from one very unique young woman? Let's begin with Leo Borlock (Verchere) in his younger years after his father's death, as he and his mother Gloria (Stanchfield) move to Mica, Arizona and find out...

The Story: After Leo is bullied over the porcupine tie his father gave him the first day of school, he becomes determined to be just like anyone else and hide who he is. Someone, however, sends him porcupine ties every year on his birthday. He's still baffled about the gifts in high school when he's playing trumpet in the marching band and helping his friend Kevin (Brar) with his TV show Hot Seat.  He's not the only one trying to hide his personality. Mica High School has never excelled at anything. The football team loses every year, and Kevin always wins the speaking contest.

Enter Stargirl Caraway (VanderWaal), a capricious newcomer who spent most of her life being homeschooled. She wears bright vintage clothing and comes to school with her ukulele and a positive attitude, playing "Happy Birthday" for kids she doesn't even know. Leo is charmed by her, especially after his older paleontologist friend Archie (Giancarlo Esposito) tells him more about her. The rest of the school is wary at first, until she plays her ukulele at a football game and the team actually wins. She becomes the most popular girl at school after that and a good-luck charm for the team. She and Leo even become a couple. 

Her success is short-lived after she goes to the hospital with an injured member of the opposing side during the big championship game. Now all of the kids shun her, and an appearance on Kevin's Hot Seat show only makes things worse. Leo suggests that she act and dress like everyone else. Stargirl tries, but she can't stop being who she is. It takes a special gift and a reminder of his father for Leo to finally understand why Stargirl acts like she does, and why it's so important to be yourself, even if others don't love you for it.

The Song and Dance: What a sweet movie! I'm glad Disney finally got to making this. The kids were a delight, with VanderWaal the stand-out as the upbeat girl who teaches everyone around her that it's not so bad to be one of a kind. There's some gorgeous desert vistas too, filmed in New Mexico. I also appreciate the message of non-conformity, kindness, and sharing one's grief. 

The Numbers: We open with school band practice and our first view of Mica High. Our first real view of Stargirl is of her playing "Happy Birthday" on her ukulele for Leo in the school cafeteria. She definitely gets more of a response than the school band at the football game playing "Be True to Your School" for the crowd. They get so jazzed, the football team plays better. "We Got the Beat" is the first full-on chorus number, as Stargirl joins the cheer squad and the cheerleaders tailor their routine to her moves. 

"Thirteen" by Big Star provides a backdrop for the montage of Stargirl and Leo getting closer and the football team's continued success. "Be True to Your School" gets a chorus reprise for Stargirl and the cheerleaders at the championship game, while Stargirl and Leo do their own version of "Thirteen" at her house afterwards. "I Just Wanna Dance" is the first number as Leo enters the Winter Dance. Stargirl finally convinces him to sing his version of the Cars' "Just What I Needed" in front of the whole school. Stargirl and the kids get so into it, they lead a conga line right out of the school and into rare desert snow. She sings the George Harrison hit "Give Me Love (Give Me Peace On Earth)" and her own "Today and Tomorrow" over the credits.

What I Don't Like: First of all, from what I gathered, there were a lot of changes from the book. Stargirl stayed in Mica for a year, not a few months, and apparently had even quirkier and more disruptive behavior. It was a basketball game where she comforted the injured player, not football, and she had a girlfriend named Dori along with Leo. It's a barbecue,  not a dance, that the kids attend in the end, and Stargirl insists on all of them doing the Bunny Hop rather than Leo singing "Just What I Needed." Stargirl and Leo's fathers were living; Leo got the original porcupine tie from his uncle. Hillari Kimble was even meaner, and she wasn't related to the boy who had the bike accident.

Second, this is a mass of goofy cliches that runs out of steam a bit in the second half, when the kids start shunning Stargirl and that quirkiness wears out its welcome a bit. The magic Artie talks about is never heavily explored and sometimes seems a bit forced. Many people who read the book complained about the story being watered down, and that maybe Stargirl could have done things that were stranger than singing a Beach Boys number or two.

The Big Finale: I'll be honest, I never read the book. I was in college when it came out. I do know the movie version is a sweet look at a relationship between a boy who lost himself and a girl who knows who she is...and how to make others want to find themselves, too. Highly recommended for teens who are also navigating how to stay true to themselves at school and home and those looking for a unique romance.

Home Media: Surprisingly, it was pulled from Disney Plus back in 2023, despite being made for that platform. It can still be found elsewhere on streaming, including Amazon and YouTube.

Amazon Prime

YouTube

Cult Flops - From Justin to Kelly

20th Century Fox, 2003

Starring Kelly Clarkson, Justin Guarini, Katherine Bailess, and Anika Noni Rose

Directed by Robert Iscove

Music and Lyrics by various

Our next spring break musical is one of the most notorious of the past 20 years. American Idol is a talent show that focuses on finding the next great singing star. The US version began in 2002 and with its ability to let the audience vote on their favorites, was an instant sensation. Clarkson and Guarini were the first winner and runner up, and they became overnight celebrities, singing and giving interviews pretty much everywhere on TV and the internet. 

They were among the most recognizable faces on the planet by the time Fox released this in June 2003. Fox wanted to strike while the iron was hot and insisted this be filmed and released in two and a half months. Audiences in 2003 saw it for the rush job it was, and it wound up being one of the biggest flops of the year. Is it really that horrible, or were audiences and critics right? Let's begin in a Texas bar as Kelly Taylor (Clarkson) sings for the few barflies there and find out...

The Story: Kelly's girlfriends Alexa (Bailess) and Kaya (Rose) talk her into spending spring break in Miami, Florida, despite Kelly considering spring break rituals to be degrading. On their first day, she runs into Justin Bell (Guardini), a party planner who owns a local business with his buddies Brandon (Greg Siff) and Eddie (Brian Dietzen). They fall in love at first sight, but have a hard time finding each other at first. Even after they finally meet again, Alexa decides she wants Justin for herself and does everything she can to split up the pair, Meanwhile, geeky Eddie spends his vacation searching for his Internet girlfriend, Brandon dodges a cop (Theresa San-Nicholas) who keeps giving him tickets for all his dubious money-making schemes, and Kaya pursues the handsome waiter Carlos (Jason Yribar).

The Song and Dance: Well, there is some pretty scenery in Florida. The cinematography isn't bad for the short filming time they had. Rose by far stands out as Kelly's nicer buddy, to the point where you can understand why she'd move on to the infinitely better Dreamgirls and The Princess and the Frog a few years later. 

The Numbers: We open with Kelly singing "I Won't Stand In Line" to unimpressed bar patrons in Texas. The first chorus number is "The Luv (Bounce)," as the girls arrive on the beach and encounter Justin for the first time and some truly awful dancing. "Brandon's Rap" is his attempt to explain to Eddie how to find girls, and how he plans on getting a few himself. Tap master Savion Glover does a brief but nifty routine to the instrumental "Boom Boom Boom." Justin and Kelly pick up with the duet "Forever Part of Me" as they search for each other in the crowd at the party. 

Kaya and Carlos claim "It's Meant to Be" when they have fun together dancing at a salsa club. Justin and Kelly have a second ballad, "Timeless," as he takes her boating in the back bays. Alexa gets her own dance routine with the boys, claiming that all she needs to do is "Wish Upon a Star" to get what she wants. Fed up with their men, Kaya and Kelly go to a party in wild, colorful outfits. After all, falling in love is "Madness." Kelly wishes Justin would give her love "Anytime" after Alexa explains why she went after him. They reprise it when Alexa finally brings them back together. The film ends with the entire cast singing and dancing to "That's the Way I Like It" at one last party.

Trivia: Clarkson and Guardini realized from the start how bad the script was. Clarkson wanted out, but the film was part of their contracts with American Idol. 

There was supposed to have been a soundtrack, but it was canceled when the film became a notorious flop. 

The DVD features two additional musical numbers, "Brighter Star" and "From Me to You."

What I Don't Like: Good grief. Not a single other thing works. Rose is the only one who shows an ounce of charisma. Clarkson later became a decent host on TV and Guardini has since done stage work (including on Broadway), but they can't act and have all the chemistry of two wet noodles here. The choreography is useless, the dialogue is ridiculous, the original music dull, and the plot silly piffle. They never did figure out what to do with Clarkson's character. One minute, she's a staunch feminist who calls spring break and whipped cream bikini contests degrading. The next, she's falling into Justin's arms and chasing every guy around. 

The side plots exist to pad the run time, not because they're fun to watch or work with the main story. Carlos had every right to be angry after Kaya caused him to lose his job and shouldn't have apologized. Eddie is an obnoxious and dated geek stereotype and is so unfunny, you stop caring whether he finds his girlfriend or not after the first few minutes. The running gag with Brandon and the cop is literally and figuratively run into the ground. 

Alexa's desire to win Justin for herself comes out of nowhere. She, Kaya, and Kelly are buddy-buddy for the first ten-fifteen minutes of the movie, and then suddenly, she decides she wants Justin. Her explanation as to why later on is so flat-out stupid, I can't believe Kelly bought it. Not to mention, it explains things about Kelly that we don't see. The movie keeps going on about how funny and wonderful Kelly in particular is, but all of the lead characters are so grating and annoying, I wouldn't want to be in their presence for five minutes, let alone an entire two-week spring break.

The Big Finale: This is one bad movie that lives up to the hype and then some. I wouldn't touch this with a hundred-foot pole unless you're a really huge fan of Clarkson, Guardini, American Idol, or remember the brief time in 2002-2003 when they were two of the biggest music stars on the planet. 

Home Media: Easily found on DVD and streaming.

DVD

Amazon Prime