Starring Phil Daniels, Bruce Payne, Alun Armstrong, and Louise Gold
Directed by Alan Clarke
Music and Lyrics by various
This week's Halloween Horror-Fest gets seriously weird with two bizarre cult flicks that couldn't precisely be called horror, but can't really be called anything else, either. Our first entry comes to us from across the Atlantic. Clarke was best known for directing several BBC plays, most of them dramas or horror. After directing the theatrical version of one of them, Scum, he went ahead and made what would be his first original theatrical release...and "original" is the right word for it. Just how weird is this musical about a young man who plays a vampire to win the "snooker" (a type of billiards) championship? Let's start with that young man, Billy Kid (Daniels) playing snooker to win and find out...
The Story: T.O (Payne), Billy's manager, is also a compulsive gambler who owes piles of money to loan shark The Wednesday Man (Don Henderson). He'll cancel T.O's debt if he can arrange a 17-round grudge snooker match with reigning snooker champion Maxwell Randall, an actual blood sucker known as the Green Baize Vampire.
T.O hires journalist Miss Sullivan (Gold) to interview Maxwell and Billy separately and ask questions designed to stir trouble between them. It works, especially with Maxwell, who is close to retirement, but has no desire to share the limelight with some upstart Cockney. The Wednesday Man, however, has his own motives for the match, and he has no intentions of playing fair. Billy has to rely on his own talent and cunning when it turns out there's a lot more riding on this match than just a world championship.
The Song and Dance: Well, I think we just found one of the most unique musicals ever created. I've never heard of another musical, or film, for that matter, revolving around vampires and a grudge snooker game. For all the weirdness, the cast is obviously having a great time with the strange premise. Payne and Armstrong are the stand-outs as the smarmy manager desperate to cover his gambling debts and the aging vampire pool shark with a fondness for the elegant "old days" who despises the grittier new guards. The booming music has the feel of the big Andrew Lloyd Webber rock operas that were wildly popular in London at the time, driving, bombastic, and campy.
Favorite Number: We open with Billy's "Green Stamps" over his first game as we see what he does, why he does it, and meet his entourage. T.O gets "Poker Song" when he's gambling and "I'm the One" as he reminds Billy how he promoted him into the big shot he is now. Maxwell reminds his wife (Eve Ferret) after hearing Billy's interview that he's a vampire and "I Bite Back." Billy and the patrons of "Supersonic Sam's Cosmic Cafe" sing about their world there and how much different it is from upper-class citizens like Randall.
Big Jack Jay (Neil McCaul), the announcer at the grudge match, reminds the crowds that it's "Snooker (More Than Just a Game)." "Quack Quack" is the big ensemble number, as the lower-class citizens rooting for Billy and the wealthy upper class who want Randall to win insult each other. "Kid to Break" is how Billy kept losing the first half of the match. It takes the reminder that "It's the Fame Game" to finally give Billy the impetus to win. T.O sends the audience out with the eerie "White Lines, Black Cadillac" over blackness as the credits roll.
What I Don't Like: This is about as cult as you can get. If you're looking for something a little less weird or campy, you are definitely in the wrong place. The filming is extraordinarily cheap, with some of the skimpiest lighting I've ever seen in a musical. Everyone always looks like they're hanging out in a permanent dark corner, even when it's supposed to be daytime. This is campy, cheap, and is so much of everything, it's not really much of anything besides a musical. It's not scary enough to be horror or thriller, not funny enough for a comedy, and not really much of a drama, either.
Not to mention, this is also very, very British. The accents are occasionally hard to decipher on this side of the Atlantic, and I don't think snooker has ever been anywhere near as big over here.
The Big Finale: If you're looking for the next great bizarre cult film to show your Halloween party guests, they don't come much weirder or more original than this. Worth checking out at least once if you love English movies, camp, or just want to try something truly different.
Home Media: Easily found anywhere; it's currently streaming on Tubi for free with commercials.
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