Starring Kelly Clarkson, Justin Guarini, Katherine Bailess, and Anika Noni Rose
Directed by Robert Iscove
Music and Lyrics by various
Our next spring break musical is one of the most notorious of the past 20 years. American Idol is a talent show that focuses on finding the next great singing star. The US version began in 2002 and with its ability to let the audience vote on their favorites, was an instant sensation. Clarkson and Guarini were the first winner and runner up, and they became overnight celebrities, singing and giving interviews pretty much everywhere on TV and the internet.
They were among the most recognizable faces on the planet by the time Fox released this in June 2003. Fox wanted to strike while the iron was hot and insisted this be filmed and released in two and a half months. Audiences in 2003 saw it for the rush job it was, and it wound up being one of the biggest flops of the year. Is it really that horrible, or were audiences and critics right? Let's begin in a Texas bar as Kelly Taylor (Clarkson) sings for the few barflies there and find out...
The Story: Kelly's girlfriends Alexa (Bailess) and Kaya (Rose) talk her into spending spring break in Miami, Florida, despite Kelly considering spring break rituals to be degrading. On their first day, she runs into Justin Bell (Guardini), a party planner who owns a local business with his buddies Brandon (Greg Siff) and Eddie (Brian Dietzen). They fall in love at first sight, but have a hard time finding each other at first. Even after they finally meet again, Alexa decides she wants Justin for herself and does everything she can to split up the pair, Meanwhile, geeky Eddie spends his vacation searching for his Internet girlfriend, Brandon dodges a cop (Theresa San-Nicholas) who keeps giving him tickets for all his dubious money-making schemes, and Kaya pursues the handsome waiter Carlos (Jason Yribar).
The Song and Dance: Well, there is some pretty scenery in Florida. The cinematography isn't bad for the short filming time they had. Rose by far stands out as Kelly's nicer buddy, to the point where you can understand why she'd move on to the infinitely better Dreamgirls and The Princess and the Frog a few years later.
The Numbers: We open with Kelly singing "I Won't Stand In Line" to unimpressed bar patrons in Texas. The first chorus number is "The Luv (Bounce)," as the girls arrive on the beach and encounter Justin for the first time and some truly awful dancing. "Brandon's Rap" is his attempt to explain to Eddie how to find girls, and how he plans on getting a few himself. Tap master Savion Glover does a brief but nifty routine to the instrumental "Boom Boom Boom." Justin and Kelly pick up with the duet "Forever Part of Me" as they search for each other in the crowd at the party.
Kaya and Carlos claim "It's Meant to Be" when they have fun together dancing at a salsa club. Justin and Kelly have a second ballad, "Timeless," as he takes her boating in the back bays. Alexa gets her own dance routine with the boys, claiming that all she needs to do is "Wish Upon a Star" to get what she wants. Fed up with their men, Kaya and Kelly go to a party in wild, colorful outfits. After all, falling in love is "Madness." Kelly wishes Justin would give her love "Anytime" after Alexa explains why she went after him. They reprise it when Alexa finally brings them back together. The film ends with the entire cast singing and dancing to "That's the Way I Like It" at one last party.
Trivia: Clarkson and Guardini realized from the start how bad the script was. Clarkson wanted out, but the film was part of their contracts with American Idol.
There was supposed to have been a soundtrack, but it was canceled when the film became a notorious flop.
The DVD features two additional musical numbers, "Brighter Star" and "From Me to You."
What I Don't Like: Good grief. Not a single other thing works. Rose is the only one who shows an ounce of charisma. Clarkson later became a decent host on TV and Guardini has since done stage work (including on Broadway), but they can't act and have all the chemistry of two wet noodles here. The choreography is useless, the dialogue is ridiculous, the original music dull, and the plot silly piffle. They never did figure out what to do with Clarkson's character. One minute, she's a staunch feminist who calls spring break and whipped cream bikini contests degrading. The next, she's falling into Justin's arms and chasing every guy around.
The side plots exist to pad the run time, not because they're fun to watch or work with the main story. Carlos had every right to be angry after Kaya caused him to lose his job and shouldn't have apologized. Eddie is an obnoxious and dated geek stereotype and is so unfunny, you stop caring whether he finds his girlfriend or not after the first few minutes. The running gag with Brandon and the cop is literally and figuratively run into the ground.
Alexa's desire to win Justin for herself comes out of nowhere. She, Kaya, and Kelly are buddy-buddy for the first ten-fifteen minutes of the movie, and then suddenly, she decides she wants Justin. Her explanation as to why later on is so flat-out stupid, I can't believe Kelly bought it. Not to mention, it explains things about Kelly that we don't see. The movie keeps going on about how funny and wonderful Kelly in particular is, but all of the lead characters are so grating and annoying, I wouldn't want to be in their presence for five minutes, let alone an entire two-week spring break.
The Big Finale: This is one bad movie that lives up to the hype and then some. I wouldn't touch this with a hundred-foot pole unless you're a really huge fan of Clarkson, Guardini, American Idol, or remember the brief time in 2002-2003 when they were two of the biggest music stars on the planet.
Home Media: Easily found on DVD and streaming.
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